I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
