My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
