Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
