Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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