I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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