my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
