plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
