I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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