I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
