some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
im holly from the hills drunk
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
