Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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