so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
