He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
