"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
