Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
