"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
