oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
