you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
