Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
