woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
