So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
