The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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