I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
