I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
