Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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