thus making me awesome and them whores
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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