I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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