why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
