at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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