There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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