yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
