her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
