You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
