My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
