Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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