i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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