Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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