Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
