I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
