can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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