Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize