gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
