I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
