drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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