just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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