The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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