but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
