My Higher Power is John Stamos
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
