Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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