Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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